Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Heavy & Nervous Heart

Most of you, my faithful readers, know the heavy burden that has been placed on Bobby's & my life. It's my most hated word in the world... infertility. Just to give some new folks a quick update, we began our first attempt at becoming parents in early 2006 hoping for the sought-after "seminary graduation baby." I worked all 4 years while Bobby was in seminary and we decided that it was best for our family that I keep working and then when the end (graduation) finally neared, we were so excited when we could finally bring a child into our happy little family. (yes, unlike others I do think that husband & wife are a family, so we "started our family" on the day we got married.) Well, it didn't happen right away and we started getting a little anxious so I made an appointment with my doctor to start testing and before we got that far, I finally got pregnant. After 8 long months. (which seems like a drop in the pan now...) We got to experience a joy like I never felt before in my life (our lives.) I got to go to a baby shower that same day I found out and actually felt like I "fit in" with everyone else (even though no one knew at that point.) It was a couple weeks before Christmas so we told our immediate families and never felt prouder, but all along I felt anxious. Excited, but very nervous at the same time.

The joy ended a couple days later when I went for my first ultrasound and the technician told me that the baby was a couple weeks behind where it should be 5 1/2 weeks, rather than 7 1/2. She told me not to worry, but I knew. Bobby told me not to worry, but I knew. Everyone told me not to worry, but I knew. And within a week, it was over. We lost the baby. The greatest joy of my life turned into the greatest devastation I have ever felt.

Everyone tried to help by telling me that things would be ok... I got pregnant once, it will happen again.

It's been 2 1/2 years.

In that time, Bobby graduated, we moved to a new state, began new jobs, started over, began a new life, turned over a new leaf, all those meaningless expressions. Everyone said it would happen again. And yet it hasn't.

Fed up with everything, we finally gave into the idea of seeking medical help. We found a really good specialist back in late summer last year. We've tried all the easy options, and not so easy ones, mostly oral medications, a few nasty injections, a lot of ultrasounds, and a ton of money. A couple months ago I had a somewhat invasive test done and my doctor found some complications. We really don't know what they are exactly at this point, but hopefully we will get some more answers when I have a surgical procedure done this Friday. It's not major surgery, but I'm still quite nervous. Moreso with the possible outcomes than the actual procedure though. Afraid that I will get news that our chances are hopeless.

I know I shouldn't have this attitude. I know I'm still fairly young, and healthy, and have no real reason to give up hope at this point. Besides, remember, I still did get pregnant once. I should be able to do it again. Right? If only it were that easy.

In short, this has been the worst trial I have ever had to deal with in my life. I know that is a good sign that I've had a good life. And I have. I really have had a great life. Great family, loving parents, good friends along the way. Awesome husband. But this has been my greatest longing in life, and to not be able to have it has really brought a lot of devastation and heartbreak to both of us. I have not been open about this topic to most people - specifically our church and even on here (until now) and I'm not sure why. Probably because it's a stigma (there's something wrong with us) and because I can't ever seem to talk about the subject without crying. And partly denial. If I pretend it's not there, maybe it will go away?

It won't. No matter how hard I try to fill my life with other things, the void and sadness is always there. Being married to Bobby and caring for my critters bring me so much joy, but I can't help but know that I'm not giving all of myself to them (and everyone else.) I don't feel like a whole person. I want to be a mother. I should be a mother. And because I'm not, I don't feel like a whole person. I know the people around me suffer because of it. And for that I'm sorry.

If you made it to the end of this post, please pray for me on Friday. Not sure of the time yet, probably around noon. Thank you.

7 comments:

Lori said...

I think the best thing for me was when I started talking about it more. It took me a long time, but once I let it out it seemed I was able to get encouragement from others. And of course some very insensitive people, also. I am so sorry to hear about your miscarriage, I cannot even imagine how you must feel. I think the hardest part about infertility is what it does to your emotions. I have changed so much since we have been going through this. I hate to say it but I feel like I have become a lot more mean! It's horrible I know, its a work in progress! Thank You for sharing your heart, I will keep you in my prayers as you go through this emotional journey!

Anonymous said...

I will definitely be praying for you. And don't worry about what attitude you "should" have. This stuff is complicated and confusing and heartbreaking, and it's okay to feel scared about the outcome. That said, I will specifically be praying that the outcome is a great one!
-Erica F.

Anonymous said...

Hi. You don't know me, but I have the gift of intercession and will be praying that if it is God's will He will bless you with motherhood.

He takes our desires seriously.

And He loves you, even when it doesn't feel like it.

Mrs. Fix said...

Jennifer,

You don't know me, but I saw your comment on Annie Hathaway's blog -- she is my best friend from childhood.

I am very touched by this post and your honesty. I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you and your procedure.

May the Lord bless you and keep you.

Nick, Annie, Aiden, Sophie and Clip said...

Praying for you today!
I hope that your openness and honesty will be a blessing both to you and to others who are going through this (and/or similar heartaches)
Thanks for sharing your heart with us!
~annie

Doug and Lori said...

Jennifer- I am just seeing this now.I am so sorry for your hurt and pain.
Wondering how yesterday went.

danielle said...

thank you so much for sharing such a difficult and personal thing. i have often wondered what was happening since you had your miscarriage but it's one of those things that you are not sure if you should ask about or not. maybe i should have just been a better friend and taken that risk. but i have often prayed for you all that the lord would bless you with a child. but i just wanted to let you know that shaun and i and our church staff prayed for you yesterday when we were at our staff retreat. we prayed for your surgery and for an outcome of the blessing of a child. i am so sorry for all your pain and that you are going through this. reading your entire story just makes me so sad and makes me hurt inside for you. i truly hope and pray that you get the desire of your heart. i will stop rambling now, but just know that i will still be praying. look forward to finding out more about the outcome of your surgery.

much love,
danielle