Pretty

Look at these beautiful flowers my inlaws sent me. It really was a lovely surprise. Thank you Bob, Susie, & Mindy!

Today is day 3 of recovery and I'm feeling pretty good. I even sent my caretaker (mom) home a day early. My first full day home (Saturday) was rough and I was still in quite a bit of pain, but I took a huge jump from Saturday to Sunday, and I felt a lot better yesterday. And today I feel about the same as yesterday, but that's good. I have enough discomfort to keep me from doing too much, walking too quickly up & down the stairs, etc., but I only have to take a couple advil every 5 or so hours now - no more narcotics.

So the title of this blog is in reference to the flowers (above) and the weather here this (extended) weekend. We actually had to turn our air conditioning on Saturday. It's been in the 80's since Friday. It's 10:30 am now and it's already sunny and 80 degrees, with a high of 87 today. Yikes. I think the weather may take a change tomorrow, so maybe I will go back to work... I haven't decided yet. I think I'd prefer to wait until Wednesday because that's the day that Bobby also works at the church, so he can drive me, escort me up & down the stairs there, go to post office, keep my beverages refreshed at my desk, answer the phone for me... you know, all the essentials. The title "pretty" does not refer to any part of me, you can count on that. I did get a shower finally yesterday - it was surely the highlight of the day. But as for showering/shampooing today, I have to wait until Bobby gets home to do that because we have a claw foot tub, and to step in and out is tricky and I don't want to fall on the floor with only a couple of cats there. So for now, I'm glad we live out in the middle of nowhere so no one can see me.

Recovery

Thank you all for your sweet comments, prayers and concerns. Yesterday's surgery went fine, I think... I don't quite remember what everyone told me while I was in recovery. It's so strange to be in one place (the OR), fall asleep, and then wake up in a different place (recovery room) a couple hours later and not have a clue what just happened. I know most people have been through similar situations, but it still blows my mind. Then nurses kept trying to get me to wake up and I couldn't. I honestly felt like I might never fully wake up, but of course I did. And then one of them kept scaring me because she said I kept getting paler and grayer, and she said something about not wanting to "lose me" like I was dying or something! Happy to hear that she just meant I almost passed out or threw up, which fortunately I did neither, but apparently came very close to doing both. I don't remember, I was asleep. I thought I dreamt that my doctor came in and was talking about his wife, but apparently that really happened. Still unsure what that was all about. Hopefully I'll find out when I go into see him for my follow-up appointment in a couple weeks. Which I may or may not have already scheduled.

After I finally started to feel more "alive," I was amazed at how ready I was to come home. And by ready, I mean, felt good enough to eat & drink and walk around on my own, within minutes of moving into the second recovery area. Maybe the time was longer, I really don't know, but it felt quick. I even recognized Bobby and my mom when they came into see me. So soon we were signing release forms and I was being rolled out of Ruby Memorial Hospital to come home. Bobby was super sweet and went to IHOP to get me an order of their super delicious Harvest Grain & Nut pancakes. Seriously, if you go there anytime soon, you have to get these - they're amazing. And they were just what I needed to eat with my next round of narcotics.

So at home we have been doing a little tv watching, backporch sitting, laundry (I'm just giving instructions), and hanging out with the animals. I had intended to be lazier and watch more tv, but my mom keeps insisting that I sit outside on a lawn chair and get fresh air & sun. I guess her idea is better... but I've missed a lot of tv shows lately that I really need to catch up on!

Because He Lives

In light of yesterday's post about tomorrow's surgery, I thought I would post a song that has been running through my head since we sang it in church on Easter Sunday. It's a Gaither song, which typically I'm not super fond of, just because of the cheesiness and sometimes weak lyrics. (hope I didn't offend anyone with that...) But for some reason, this one just really got to me.

It's just a 4 line chorus - my commentary in italics.


Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. (yes, I can face the surgery tomorrow!)

Because He lives, all fear is gone. (I'm getting there...)

Because I know He holds the future. (He knows whether or not we'll be parents someday...)

And life is worth the living just because He lives. (sometimes I'm so upset about our current life situation that it almost feels like I can't go on... but I know that I am living for something, someONE bigger than me, bigger than my problems, bigger than this current world full of destruction and devastation. And it's the hope I have in Him, and knowing how much God loves me, that makes life worth living.)




*update: ok, so this was meant to be a serious post, but I'm in a weird mood right now. reread the lyrics again, with my commentary, and picture a christian band / worship leader on stage at church or at a concert, and after he sings each line, he pauses, with eyes closed, and says my words that I have in italics. so dramatic, huh?

Heavy & Nervous Heart

Most of you, my faithful readers, know the heavy burden that has been placed on Bobby's & my life. It's my most hated word in the world... infertility. Just to give some new folks a quick update, we began our first attempt at becoming parents in early 2006 hoping for the sought-after "seminary graduation baby." I worked all 4 years while Bobby was in seminary and we decided that it was best for our family that I keep working and then when the end (graduation) finally neared, we were so excited when we could finally bring a child into our happy little family. (yes, unlike others I do think that husband & wife are a family, so we "started our family" on the day we got married.) Well, it didn't happen right away and we started getting a little anxious so I made an appointment with my doctor to start testing and before we got that far, I finally got pregnant. After 8 long months. (which seems like a drop in the pan now...) We got to experience a joy like I never felt before in my life (our lives.) I got to go to a baby shower that same day I found out and actually felt like I "fit in" with everyone else (even though no one knew at that point.) It was a couple weeks before Christmas so we told our immediate families and never felt prouder, but all along I felt anxious. Excited, but very nervous at the same time.

The joy ended a couple days later when I went for my first ultrasound and the technician told me that the baby was a couple weeks behind where it should be 5 1/2 weeks, rather than 7 1/2. She told me not to worry, but I knew. Bobby told me not to worry, but I knew. Everyone told me not to worry, but I knew. And within a week, it was over. We lost the baby. The greatest joy of my life turned into the greatest devastation I have ever felt.

Everyone tried to help by telling me that things would be ok... I got pregnant once, it will happen again.

It's been 2 1/2 years.

In that time, Bobby graduated, we moved to a new state, began new jobs, started over, began a new life, turned over a new leaf, all those meaningless expressions. Everyone said it would happen again. And yet it hasn't.

Fed up with everything, we finally gave into the idea of seeking medical help. We found a really good specialist back in late summer last year. We've tried all the easy options, and not so easy ones, mostly oral medications, a few nasty injections, a lot of ultrasounds, and a ton of money. A couple months ago I had a somewhat invasive test done and my doctor found some complications. We really don't know what they are exactly at this point, but hopefully we will get some more answers when I have a surgical procedure done this Friday. It's not major surgery, but I'm still quite nervous. Moreso with the possible outcomes than the actual procedure though. Afraid that I will get news that our chances are hopeless.

I know I shouldn't have this attitude. I know I'm still fairly young, and healthy, and have no real reason to give up hope at this point. Besides, remember, I still did get pregnant once. I should be able to do it again. Right? If only it were that easy.

In short, this has been the worst trial I have ever had to deal with in my life. I know that is a good sign that I've had a good life. And I have. I really have had a great life. Great family, loving parents, good friends along the way. Awesome husband. But this has been my greatest longing in life, and to not be able to have it has really brought a lot of devastation and heartbreak to both of us. I have not been open about this topic to most people - specifically our church and even on here (until now) and I'm not sure why. Probably because it's a stigma (there's something wrong with us) and because I can't ever seem to talk about the subject without crying. And partly denial. If I pretend it's not there, maybe it will go away?

It won't. No matter how hard I try to fill my life with other things, the void and sadness is always there. Being married to Bobby and caring for my critters bring me so much joy, but I can't help but know that I'm not giving all of myself to them (and everyone else.) I don't feel like a whole person. I want to be a mother. I should be a mother. And because I'm not, I don't feel like a whole person. I know the people around me suffer because of it. And for that I'm sorry.

If you made it to the end of this post, please pray for me on Friday. Not sure of the time yet, probably around noon. Thank you.

Could I be anymore tired?!

We just got back from a really nice weekend in Oklahoma this morning. What? Did I just say morning? Yeppers. We left OKC at 5:15 pm CDT Sunday night and arrived in our house in Pennsylvania at 2:30 am EDT Monday morning. We didn't have any major problems at the airport like plane malfunctions or lost luggage, just one 30 minute delay after another, which eventually adds up to like, two hours. So while I knew we would get home late last night and we'd be tired today, I had no idea it would be this bad. So who do you pity more, me or Bobby? Well, Bobby had to get up at 6:30 this morning to be at work at 8 and after working I don't know, 7 or 8 hours, he has class tonight from 7-10. Yep, a 14 hour day. Pretty awful after getting 3+ hours of sleep. I, on the other hand, also deserve your pity because I just started with a head cold last night, while sitting around in the airport. Go figure! So my sleepy, heavy eyelids are even heavier because of the stuffiness in my head, combined with the meds I'm taking. Boy, I can't wait until 4:30 pm when I can get home and take a nap!

New post - The Animals

For some reason my new post did not publish at the top of my list, so please go here for a much-awaited update on our animals.

Robe Up!

We have had a lot of special events in the last few weeks, and Bobby has gotten to wear his "ministerial" robe a couple times, which delights him very much. But that's not really the highlight of all we've been apart of, just an added bonus. I, on the other hand, have had to plan my wardrobe. I don't simply get to throw on a pair of pants, shirt, and cover it all up with a robe.

Anyway, the first big event this month was the wedding that Bobby officiated. He actually did not get to wear his robe for this. He had planned on it, even purchased a white stole for it, but due to the "informality" of the wedding, he decided just to wear a suit & tie. The bride and groom were indifferent, so he chose the safe ground. The ceremony was the shortest I've ever witnessed, but it was exactly what they wanted and it was beautiful. Short and sweet. Here is the Reverend with the bride and groom.




















This past weekend was the one of our most busy in a long time. We now know that Easter is definately busier for the ministerial staff than Christmas. (For anyone that doesn't know, I am the secretary/administrator and Bobby is the Asst Pastor of Youth & Families at our church.) I normally print 200 bulletins each week, at 4 pages a piece, which is 400 pieces of paper that I type, print, copy, fold, and staple. THIS WEEK we had 4 services and expected (hoped for) more people than usual, so I had 1250 pages to do! Plus multiple inserts. Needless to say I didn't get them all done before I "left work" Thursday afternoon, so Bobby and I were stuffing and stapling on our couch Friday night. haha.

Getting back on track...

Thursday night we had a Maundy Thursday service which Bobby helped with. And he got to wear his robe... yay. Our pastor has been focusing on the humiliation of Christ during this Lenten season, starting with his being a born of a woman, leading up to him washing the feet of the disciples on the night before his crucifixion, and then of course, his death of a man on the cross.

Friday afternoon we had a Good Friday service which Bobby was in charge of planning, including the sermon. Bobby focused on Jesus' words, "It is finished" and what that really meant. It didn't just simply mean, his life was over, or his misery on the cross. It really meant that IT IS FINISHED. He died for all of our sins. He did all the work. And there is nothing that any of us can do to make it more significant, or make him love us more. It really is finished. Of course, Bobby explained it much more eloquently than I am here, but I hope you get the point. Jesus' sacrifice was the once for all. Amen.

Following the Good Friday service, we had youth group for a few hours. And we did something that Bobby and the kids have been talking about doing for MONTHS.... deep-frying! First we had a "fish fry" - which included fish sticks baked in the oven and fish fillets dropped into the deep fryer. And that was followed up with deep-frying anything we could find... Oreos, Snickers bars, Twix, jelly beans, hot dogs, Zingers, donuts, corndogs, etc. We really were sick afterward. haha. The quote that summed up the event was when a girl who was in town visiting her grandparents was dropped off to join us, she said she thought we were sitting in a circle praying, and then she realized that we were sitting around a pot of boiling grease! ha! We had just come out of church, it was time for some fun. :) Then we had an easter egg hunt. It really surprises us that this really is a hit with the 12 - 18 year olds, I love it. We are so upset that we forgot to bring our camera with us on Friday.

Saturday morning we got up WAY before sunrise because Bobby was leading a devotion at the Methodist church in town. One of those things that you really don't want to go to (b/c of the early hour) but you do, and you're soooo glad that you did. We ate a pancake breakfast, then Bobby and 2 boys from our church/praise band led us in singing/playing 3 songs. It was awesome. We love that those boys are using their amazing talent to worship the Lord.

The Sunday morning came. HE IS RISEN! And so did Bobby - at 6 am again. I did not. I skipped out on the sunrise service, so he had to come back home and get me before Sunday school and the main worship service. Whatta guy. The main worship service was beautiful. And Bobby looked lovely in his robe and brand spanking new stole. But please notice, that under that robe, he is wearing an orange tie that perfectly matched my outfit. :)

Lenten Prayer

We will be reading this prayer of confession on Easter morning at church. It's such a great reflection on the ultimate sacrifice that Jesus made for us. Pray this with me...


Oh God, my Heavenly Father, as I have come today to celebrate the life, death, and resurrection of your Son and my Savior, I come in confession of my sins. For as I am reminded of the horrible and painful price paid for my salvation, I am humbled and regretful for I know it was for my sins that Christ, the Messiah, died upon the cross. And I am thankful that you, Father, delivered him from the grave and gave me an empty tomb to demonstrate that power of sin was once and for all destroyed. I thank you that you chose me, unworthy as I am, to receive forgiveness of my sins. I pray through Christ, my resurrected Lord, Amen.

The Animals

So I know you are probably all wondering... what are the Griffith's animals up to these days, and why haven't we seen a picture of them lately?? Well, wait no more...


The Turtles

Well, they are still pretty much the same. They still have to be separated because when they are together, Brooks still gets a little too frisky and aggressive. I am so happy and surprised that The Little Girl (yes, that is still her name...) still has all of her appendages, and head, for that matter. We still occasionally forget to feed them for days at a time, but fortuantely they are hearty little critters and don't seem to mind too much. I'll be happy (and so will they) when the sun is out again and they can go outside and dry out for extended periods of time. We still have no idea how old they are.















The Kitties

I can't believe they are almost 2 years old. :( I told them that I wanted them to stay kittens forever. Why didn't they listen? But I must say that I'm pleased that they have still remained quite playful. But they are getting quite big to carry around these days. Paisley is sort of plump all around, while Shadow seems tiny, but has a huge pouch belly - it's so funny. They love going outside now that it's a little warmer. We had quite the excitement two Friday mornings ago when I found a snake in the kitchen before work. I was hysterical and freaked out for the kitties' sake, so I snatched them up and put them in their carrier for safety upstairs, on top of the bed, until Bobby got home. Then the snake went missing. So when he got home, the cats came out of confinement and found that snake and tortured the thing. I was so proud! (and so were they)

I know it's blurry, but look! they can still fit together in their little bed. :)















Although they are a little more crowded now than they were in this picture taken last January. But they're still so cute!


The love the fireplace in the winter.

















The Bunny

The biggest news is that she turned FIVE years old on April 1st. FIVE! And really, she seems just as youthful as she was a couple years ago. She runs up and down our steps all day long. She waits by my bed until I get up in the morning - she's usually looking at me when I roll over to hit the snooze button. She then chases me down the steps and into the living room, then waits until I bring my breakfast back in there and then she comes over and begs for a bite of it. As I type this, she is playing with one of her toys - a shaky, chewy carrot thing. She picks it up and throws it down with authority. The new thing that she has been doing involves her food bowl. Lately, once she eats all the good stuff in her "wild harvest gourmet rabbit food," she picks up her bowl with her teeth and slams it back down on the ground. I guess she is hoping that something better is hidden under those bland timothy hay pellets. It's quite funny to hear when you are sitting directly underneath her when she does it (we have hardwood floors.) She's such a diva!

I call this picture "fake bunny" because she is posing here and I think she looks like a stuffed bunny.
















Look at little mischievous! Despite all of our efforts to block off the living room fireplace, she still manages to get in.

Giveaway - Growing Our Garden

One of my new blogging buddies is hosting a giveaway here. Follow the links to to see her website and her etsy store (which I know is a huge phenomenon right now, but I still don't quite get...) But anyway, she has some really cute cards/invitations/etc. on there. Check it out!

Out of Hibernation

Warmer temperatures bring fuller calendars apparently. The last few months have seemed pretty routine... work all week, catch up and clean on Saturdays, church and youth group all day Sunday, with a little shopping and an occasional dinner or movie thrown in there. But in comes April and we are booked solid every weekend. It excites me because I like being around people and doing things, but sad because I had hoped to make a trip to NYC/NJ to see our friends in the spring and now it looks like we won't be able to.

So what are we doing?

This weekend Bobby is officiating his very first wedding! I am so excited. Someone that he works with at WVU is having a small ceremony and wanted to involve his friends in as much of the event as possible and since what Bobby brings to the table is the fact that he is an ordained minister, he fit the bill for officiant! So we have the rehearsal and wedding this weekend, plus Palm/Passion Sunday service at our church.

Next weekend is Easter - which is actually a 4 day affair - Maundy Thursday which Bobby will assist with communion, Good Friday which Bobby will be doing the sermon for (or as we say, sermonizing), Saturday morning he is in charge of the devotion at another local church, and Sunday morning has two services.

The following weekend we are going to Oklahoma.

The weekend after that ... I'll talk about in another post.

That brings us to May - first weekend is Bobby's birthday, next is one of our youth group kid's Eagle Scout Court of Honor that Bobby will be a speaker, Bobby is preaching at our church the next 2 Sundays - and also happens to graduate on one of those days too (May 17th!), the next weekend (Memorial Day) is a wedding that I am working for (sort of a coordinator/planner position).

And then we collapse.

Maybe I will long for hibernation after all that!